The ones who have their Christmas decorations up before Thanksgiving is over. The ones who move right from Halloween costumes to Christmas cards. The ones who start humming holiday music when its still warm enough to wear a T-shirt outside.
This year, I became them. That's right, I bought Christmas lights in October. Before Halloween, actually. I even heard a fellow Target shopper mutter "Give me a break!" as I squeezed my way through the throng of last-minute costume hunters on Oct. 29 to toss two boxes of white lights in my cart right next to my Halloween candy. I thought about giving her a withering look or a friendly little push, but that wouldn't be in theme with the Christmas spirit.
Now, let me explain what brought on the early holiday cheer.
Some moron ruined my pre-lit tree.
It all started after Christmas 2008, when I purchased a deeply discounted 6-ft tall, pre-lit Christmas tree from a local retailer. I then put it into my closet and waited 11 months.
Last year, during the second week of December 2009, I pulled it out of the closet. I had my holiday music going, a mug of hot chocolate, and holiday cartoons on the TV. It was picture-freakin'-perfect for tree decorating.
Until I plugged in the tree to test it out.
Top section: Glowing. Bottom section: Sparkling. Middle section: Darker than the Grinch's dead tomato with moldy purple spots heart.
So I turn to the instructions, which helpfully instruct me that this is NOT supposed to happen. Thanks for that, instructions.
Anyway, I start searching for a missing bulb. They're all there. I follow my instructions and replace the fuse. Have you ever tried replacing the fuse in a strand of Christmas lights? It sucks. Twenty minutes later, with new fuse installed, I plug the tree back in. Lo and behold: a glorious light shone from above.
Just kidding. It still didn't work.
I start examining the wire when I notice an odd knot in the unlit section of lights. What followed was a very un-Christmasy curse word.
Apparently, somewhere in the packaging or creation of this tree, the wire for the middle section was cut in two. Instead of replacing it, someone has just tied the two ends of the broken wire together as if that will reconnect the electrical current.
Seriously.
After some grumbling and name calling towards the unknown idiot, I decide I can fix this. I'll just remove the middle section of lights and replace it with a new strand. My Christmas spirit renewed, I head to Target.
Target is out of white lights. So is Meijer, Wal-Mart, Walgreens, K-Mart, and every other freaking store in the Greater Louisville Metropolitan Area. (I take that back. I did find one box of white lights at a Meijer in Southern Indiana. They had a white cord. Who uses a white cord on a green Christmas tree???)
When I politely inquired from the man at Target when they might be getting more, he looks at me and says "Oh, we're not ordering any more before Christmas. Most people have already put their tree up by now."
Really, sir? Really? By the second week of December all 16 million people in Louisville have set up their Christmas trees? And no one's lights, not one single strand, will burn out between now and Dec. 25th?
Normally, that would be something I would just think to myself as I stare blankly at a person. But I was fired up. So I said it all out loud and waited for his response.
He shrugged.
I went home defeated. That's it then, cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas! (Name that movie!)
And that, my friends, is why I bought Christmas lights on Oct. 29th this year. Happy Holidays!
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